I changed my about me thing a bit, just because the other one was getting old. And here it is:
"Hi, I'm Sheila Christine, and these are some things I love. Music, and singing, and friends, and adventure; Jesus, and praying, and gypsy skirts and blue skies, world peace, and daisies, and weeds, and raindrops and rainbows. I enjoy chocolate fudge and vegetarian food, and big green meadows and fuzzy dogs; faeries, and pussy-willows; pink and green walls; multi-coloured jackets and chai tea and scarves. Crocheting and butterflies, bare feet and hairy armpits; warm sand and pebbly beaches, islands, and hippies, and people, and excitement. I revel in life, and love, and wonder, and thinking; families, and tiny babies; poetry, hugs, and bright red blood. I think about yesterday, tomorrow, now, and forever; time in it's circles, and huge old growth trees; about pigs and their piglets, and cows and their cow-lets, frightening things, beautiful things, forever things.
But mostly...I love LIFE!!!"
So that's me. :) And I've decided I'm going to try to include a nice quote with most posts. I've been collecting quotes for almost a year now, and it's getting to be rather a long list. I might as well share them! Here is the first one. For those of you who I have emailed, hopefully this will be familiar, as it's been in my email 'signature' for quite some time. I don't know who Martha Graham is, but in any case, here is the quote. I absolutely LOVE this one, and it fits well in a post like this. :)
"There is a vitality, a life force, and energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost, the world will not have it."
~ Martha Graham
In 18 days I'm taking a huge, gigantic, scary RCM History 4 exam. And the day later I have a big, huge, scary RCM Harmony 3 exam. It's feeling really big, huge, and scary! So much that twice today my body has just said "Aaaaahhhhh!" And given me that creepy surge of 'bleh'. Now, this is 18 days from it. I'm kind of wondering how I'll feel the day before.
Sure, the great thing is that in 19 days I'll be done. Yayyy! But I have to go through it first, and for all my hours of studying, there are still things I'm unsure of, and frankly, it's a bit overwhelming.
Any words of encouragement from any and all blog readers would be greatly appreciated.
The slightly-stressed-girl. (Sheila)
Things we can easily print onto now:
cheap paper (can give good results when treated with a digital ground)
watercolour paper - various weights
cheap aluminium foil
plastic table cloth covering
plastic table cloth covering with applied muslin
skin of acrylic paint
skin of acrylic gel
acetate with gel medium applied
standard fabrics - silk, organza, hessian, canvas
ironed bubble wrap
plastic bags (various qualities)
screen printer's plastic
dyed fabrics (eg., rust stained silk)
AND THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING...
1 Rough watercolour paper - Digital ground (DG) gloss clear
2 Calico, raw, not washed - DG gloss clear
3 Tyvek before heat treatment - DG non porous
4 Hessian (quite dark colour hessian) - DG gloss clear (right) DG white mat (left)
5 Cotton mix (rust dyed before printing) - DG clear gloss (left) DG not coated (right)
6 Organza - Where there is detail DG non-porous was used (centre elsewhere ink has spread and blurred)
7 High quality plastic bag - DG non porous (there is also a red rectangle where bag was printed red, and the roller marks can be clearly seen = NOT GOOD, these were later eliminated using plastic wedges under the wheel to lift them off the 'paper' as it fed through)
8 Normal Aluminium kitchen foil, crinkled and rolled prior to printing - DG non-porous
9 Waxed paper, prepared using shibori roll - DG non-porous
10 Rough water colour paper with gloss gel medium prior to printing - DG non-porous
11 Screen printer plastic - DG non-porous (roller marks lift slow drying ink = NOT GOOD! (rollers lifted in later samples as described above, see below)
12 Heavy table cover plastic - DG non-porous
13 Heavy table cover plastic with muslin applied using gloss gel medium before printing - DG non-porous
14 Acrylic paint (white) skin - DG non-porous
15 Bubble wrap thread sandwich - DG non-porous, some areas cleared of non-dried ink after printing
16 Screen printers plastic with muslin applied with gloss gel medium before printing - DG non-porous
17 Acetate sheet - DG non-porous (this surface can be used as a fine skin to apply to other surfaces (see later)
18 Frosted plastic (bag) - DG non-porous (right) no coating on left (ink extremely slow to dry but did dry eventually)
I will add more examples soon...
Needless to say, reading this incredible book, I was desperate to play piano, and unfortunately, my Grandparents only have a cheap digital piano. So on Saturday afternoon, when my Mum and I were downtown, we went to a piano store, just for fun. It was wonderful!!! I played quite a number of pianos, including a Steinway upright from 1917 or so, and several large Heintzmann grands. Each one completely different. I had so much fun playing, and feeling, and experiencing, and even though the showroom is shabby, and right next door was a dirty car dealership, I didn't care. I retreated into my little world of music, while my Mum stood by and watched. It was amazing. Then the owner of the shop came out, and we had a grand chat, for probably an hour, and he told us all the intricacies of pianos, some I knew, some I didn't, and told us about the piano tuning/repairing business--a fascinating one--and discussed the depth and feeling of each piano, their uniqueness, and finesse. The artistry which goes into, and eventually comes out of each instrument is absolutely phenomenal!
It was...magical. I had my own little 'Romance on Three Legs'. :)
And then I retreated back into my bubble of quietness for the day.
Silly Meme I did last night before going to sleep. It'll keep you occupied while I'm gone. :P
What's the age difference between you and the last person you kissed?
Um...44 years. My Dad. On the cheek. Haha...
Where will you be tonight?
Who are you texting?
Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
Do you have a bank account?
Would you change your name?
No, but I used to want to.
Last time you had a nice bubble bath?
Bubbles? Who knows. Bath? Sunday.
Do you like ice-cream?
Quite. If it's REAL ice cream, not the crappy stuff that is just filler yuck.
When is the next time you're going away?
Where is the person your thinking of?
Well...if I said I'd give the area I'm in away...
What do you miss most about your past?
Friends. Children's choir.
Do you talk to your siblings?
Are you going to have a good night?
Going to bed eeaarrly!
Anything weird happen lately?
Weird? Actually, yeah!
What made you smile today?
Who do you tell the most to?
Ouch... close tie between my parents and Susan.
What do you carry with you at all times?
My hair. :P
Do you like anyone?
Attempting not to...
Who knows the real you?
God? And like...2 people?
What CD is in your stereo?
Uh...Norton recordings CD 1. I was listening to the Coronation of Poppea opera by Monteverdi, for history.
Do you have a job?
Currently, my job is teaching flute and piano. :)
What did you do yesterday?
Um, choir audition, practice, flute lesson, history.
What big concerts have you been to?
All sorts of symphonic things, and I've performed in Beethoven 9! That's got to count for something!
Do you trust your friends?
Yes I am.
Look out the window:
What are your nicknames?
None...'cept 'Chrissi' occasionally, from my Mum.
What kind of music do you like?
Music? You're asking ME about music? Classical. Everything. Just...MUSIC!!!
Last thing you purchased?
Um...a $2 Christmas present for my Mum.
Are you watching tv?
Do you like to go back and read your old journals?
Love it. Helps me figure out who I am.
Do you break things when you are mad?
No, but I did when I was little!
Do you like the feeling of warm laundry?
Do you know someone who "doesn't cry?"
Nope. I associate only with crying folk.
Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
I told you, I'm attempting not to like anyone. But it's reeeaaaallly hard sometimes.
What plans do you have for tomorrow?
Practice, pack car, drive to my grandparents. But we're taking the wrong car...I can't drive. *cry*
When was the last place you fell asleep other than your own bed?
Oh, goodness, this summer, in Switzerland? Or maybe I fell asleep on the ferry last time. I was sleepy, but I don't know if I actually slept. Maybe.
What do you do when you have a bad day?
Have you made any mistakes recently?
What is one thing you have learned lately?
Trust myself!!!!!!!!!! Don't listen to myself!!!!!
Do your parents really know you?
Have you ever felt hurt?
*cough* Countless times.
Do you feel like you've got some growing up to do?
For sure. I think everyone always does.
What are you looking forward to in the next month?
My exams being over.
Do you think too much or too little?
Can't think too much, but some people would say I do. ;)
Do you dance in the car?
Sing? Yes. Dance? Gosh, I don't know. How do you dance in the car? My Mum would be pretty upset if I tried to dance while driving!!!
Do you smile a lot?
I try. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Are there things you can't live without?
Yeah, but sometimes I have to.
Who is the fourth person on your contact list?
What contact list? I don't have a cell phone. On email? That would be Jen.
What's your favorite thing to have on your bed?
My fuzzy pink pillows
Do you think you'll be married in 10 yeαrs?
I kind of hope so.
Where were you at 9pm Thursday night?
What happened at 10:00 am today?
Susan was leaving. :(
Do you laugh at all the wrong times?
When did you last smile?
Today sometime. Thinking about teaching, probably.
Have you ever told anyone you were okay when you really weren't?
Can you play pool?
Who do you make fun of the most?
My Dad, but just in jest.
Do you find it in your heart to forgive?
Depends on what.
How is life going for you right now?
Pretty good. Big stuff, big decisions, big thoughts, lots of work, rather stressful, yet inner peace somehow. God is gracious.
What do most people call you?
What did you do tonight ?
I'm sitting here. :P
What color is your hair brush?
What cell phone company do you use?
I don't have a cell phone. But my Mum's is Bell.
What was the weather like today?
Weird mix between cloudy, windy, rainy, and sunny. That's VanIsle for you!
Where did your last hug take place?
Ummm, in a coffee shop? Or probably in the kitchen, actually.
What are you excited for?
My new choir!!!
Are you ticklish?
Bar soap or body wash?
What brand of shampoo do you use?
None. :P Baking soda!!!
Who was the last person you hugged?
My Mum. Before that My Dad. Before that Jen.
What is the best movie you have seen in the past two weeks?
Le Choriste. SO good. Oh my goodness.
Do you know someone with the same birthday as you?
Um, sort of. From a looong time ago.
Does anyone like you?
I doubt it.
Pancakes or French Toast?
How many sister and brothers do you have ?
Two sisters. One in my diary, and one who declared to me this summer "Don't you EVER say you don't have a sister. I am your sister!!!" So what can I say? And 6 more sisters in my SOA girls. :)
Last time you laughed at something stupid?
What time did you wake up this morning?
8:45. "OMG...Susan will be here in 20 minutes!!!"
Best thing about winter?
Christmas, hugs, warm things, clear nights, excitement.
Name a couple of favourite colors?
Another ridiculous post. :P
Just stopping in to say hello. "Hello!"
Today is a crazy day, I had history/harmony/piano lesson this morning, organized all my teaching stuff, taught a 1/2 hour, did more running around and organizing, had a flute duet practice with Marianne for the upcoming choir concert, drove to town with my Mum and picked up a book on Glen Gould and a book on natural building alternatives (so cool...have to do a post on that) at the library, got a wire on my braces clipped that was poking me, picked up brandy for the Christmas cake, and got cinnamon. Came home and helped out a bit, worked on tidying my room, worked on harmony some, helped more with Christmas cake, worked more on my room, read some in the new building green book, and here I am. Sort of doesn't seem like much...but I've been going non-stop!
Tomorrow I'm off to visit my grandparents, so I just thought I would let you know I'm alive and well, first. I'm just really tired. Everybody has been trying not to get sick or getting sick, and thus far I'm in the 'trying not to get sick' camp. Minimal sore throat is all it has amounted to so far, but I believe the echinacea is doing what it's supposed to. :)
Guess what? Yesterday I auditioned for a choir. I'm in. Ooooh yeah!!! I am SO excited, oh my gosh! You wouldn't believe. Yesterday afternoon I kept asking my Mum "Guess what?" and just re-iterating my excitement. This is an amazing little choir. Should be a good experience. But it's the same night as my other choir, and I am REALLY going to miss it, my goodness!
In any case, this post has been rather boring and self-centred, so what's happening with all of you? :)
Sheila the crazy.
With an image (taken with my mobile phone ) of the pots at Calgary Airport that I am quite taken with... I printed onto acetate which had been textured with Golden gloss media and then printed on Golden's non-porous ground. Do you think if I mention their name enough I might get some free samples? Now on to stitch.
I think I can feel a series coming on.
Great stimulus for the shibori work and digital printing that I am doing
So frustrating being held up by lack of material and my inability to get technical with the printer. One doesn't mess about with a costly machine like that without concern.
Here are my poems. They are from about age 9 to now. There are LOTS, so if you don't read through them all now, no worries. The poems change a lot from the first to the last, so if you don't read them all, read a few here and there, not in a row. So you know, there are moments in some of the poems, where I have written something that I may have changed my mind on since. Tiny things that I'm not sure I agree with anymore. Every person changes in heart, and soul, and mind, so the person I was 3 years ago, may not be the me of today. Much of what is in these words I still see the same way, but my mind wanders, so you can decide whether or not to take any of these poems seriously. Your choice. ;)
(between every poem is a ~~ )
but do not act
but cannot mourn.
but pass me by.
but will not ask.
and you will die.
A special friend arrives,
as I sit there at the door.
The wood steps feel so lonely,
I do not see my friend.
I wonder why I have
not seen as my pen flies
o’er and o’er.
My friend…is gone.
I look again, I see my friend,
but alas it’s a mirage.
No…sense is not for me.
I don’t get it.
Whenever my pen flies,
answers come fast,
and then I understand.
The reasons seem to reach me,
I want to know more,
Then it comes.
If time could suddenly stand still
What would I do with what is left?
I might wait a while and pray,
let imagination stay.
Walking, talking, thinking,
My thoughts drift around now.
Though I should ponder,
What lies ahead.
Can’t think, at best.
Words fail me,
What I see,
Some days are like moments,
Some moments, like days.
Time still rolls, going on and on.
And my life seems an endless maze.
No, I know, those moments,
are as precious as years,
yet still the speed seems unfair,
and slowly drop tears.
But see, I’ve realized,
this time will never wait.
Don’t waste it on tears,
never let your heart hate.
Sometimes, though, I wonder,
Are tears really wrong?
If they were, why’d God create them?
No, they are no worse than a song.
I wish I truly understood,
all these miniscule abstracts,
I’m pretty sure it’s impossible,
All we fathom are true facts.
They all leave my head spinning,
drifting thoughts without end.
Confusion encircles every emotion.
To my pencil, these thoughts I send
My words have been words of confusion
Thoughts of great pondering I wrote.
My Saviour wasn’t my centre,
I’m now quite sure He wants me to,
do something big for Him.
He wants my heart, my soul, my all,
To run away from sin.
My joy must be full, overflowing!
Acceptance of His love, my all.
I can trust in Him, perfect, all-knowing,
and onto my knees I will fall.
Father, God, forgive them
They know not what they do.
Your words mean so very much to me,
They’re so incredibly, wonderfully true!
So help me, Lord, to understand,
to win this battle of faith,
to lean heavily on your wisdom,
and run well this glorious race.
The wild hills,
The rolling plains,
Wind strikes at will,
From roaring sea
to prairie wide,
They call to me,
to you, and I.
Of joy they speak,
of love, as well,
No secrets keep,
of God they tell!
Of my joyous, bursting heart,
of your joy even bigger,
they sing, none lacking, not a part,
with complete, excited vigour.
The sea of blue,
the plains of gold,
Yes, every hue,
God's hands do hold.
Not a might,
no smallest thing,
From every height,
His praises sing.
I join them too,
in loud song and,
All praise to You,
Dec. 1, 2007
Amazing time, flying fast.
First year now, tomorrow the last.
A new year dawns, and calls my name,
And at the end, I'm not the same.
I grew, matured, and will still grow,
I'm almost a woman, but still bows,
Ribbons, frills, and lace of girlhood,
Charm me though growing out of childhood.
I still love, and always will,
to sit in breezy fields; be still.
No matter the year, I'll always clutch,
The hand of the Saviour I love so much.
And so as life and dreams do fly,
I will not let time pass them by.
January 1, 2008
Some people so sweetly sing,
I feel and understand as I see their smile.
They may be brash and different, or soft and quietly so.
Their gentle ways, no matter personality,
Have a distinct reflection in my heart.
I feel a tearing, within me,
I know it is not quite right, but still brings me joy.
I lean on The One who is worth knowing,
And still smile at the peace in their habits.
They all know me so well, it's frightening,
But it's a relief that there's nothing to hide.
One anticipates my silent moves,
Another laughs at things I say that truly only I think are worth laughs,
And yet the third explains things in ways so unique, I know I'm the only one.
All of them, they're freeing people, perfectly tailoring themselves to me,
And it brings me peace, and joy and love.
Yes, I feel loved!
None resound that I know, to my '
And I long to show them why, but though they--through human instinct?--
Understand every miniscule thing near and dear to my heart;
The heart itself, they cannot fathom, nor come to know right now.
I ask myself why I take time to wonder?
Human curiosity--once again--ruled me,
But not forever.
And I will sing!
The Wings of Life
Life gets all confusing,
I’m starting to grow up.
I start to ask: “Who am I?”
I wonder what direction
God will lead me in.
I shut my eyes
and see a life,
that’s just about to fly.
Still on the ground,
the wind swiftly moving,
beneath my wings.
If God has a plan,
what is it?
Will I be married in five years,
or will it be another twenty?
Are children in my future?
Will I be teaching
or will I be learning
in ten years?
I bow my head,
and consecrate my life
to him once again.
It scares me sometimes,
and I wonder what I’m here for.
But I know there is a reason,
and I’m ready to find out.
God, direct my wings.
I want to be a servant,
But I don’t know what to do.
Ideas rage in my mind,
Yet I don’t know where to put them.
Here’s a barren, hurting world,
That overflows with opposition.
Pain and sorrow fill my heart,
As young love is crushed, and torn apart.
How do I let her know
That she’s a princess in Your eyes?
Eyes, beautiful eyes, I see the depth.
I watch the fresh, blue sparkle fade away!
Where have all your children gone?
Does anyone sing your praises on and on?
Or carry out your will?
I’d like to see the future: free,
But I’m afraid I never will!
How can I think ‘outside the box’?
And still have friends on earth?
Is it possible to love you deeply,
while they shun the virgin birth?
She’s a sad, small specimen,
of a twisted, muted light.
He’s depressed, and now un-wanted,
In a society that thinks that’s right.
How could they know?
How do I tell them?
What can I do for
Many other thoughts do swirl and whirl,
while many other lands do hurt and hurl.
I do not know if I can justify,
life, such a life as destined to I.
Maybe life is not supposed to be,
this kind of strange and stark reality.
Perhaps, is it possible? We have lost a gentle spirit,
a love so sweet and tender and no one will ever hear it.
Then again I marvel at the perfect will of God,
the small and tender babies, whose feet have never trod.
As all the colours blossom in early spring,
these perfect little wonders do gently ring.
The burnt out log and the rotten tree,
remind of the attention we give to ‘me’.
Might if we would ask of God if he would please,
guide us, help us, all our pain would ever cease.
The breezy wind dashes through my hair--
I feel it go, and come again.
I hear the crash o waves on the shore,
thw whistle of the wind,
flying through the woods and over the plains--
and then my face,
rustling my skirt, my hair,
my very being, soul...
it breathes and sighs;
the freshness brings new life and joy.
Like a loving hand it restores me:
The breath of my Creator.
The glint of golden sunlight,
as it follows soaring birds,
and as I breathe, I revel,
in the incredible tidal hand,
that sweeps and smoothes the glistening, white-capped waters
to my own.
How long have young girls marveled
at these magnificent displays?
To be alone with Nature as it revels on its own,
is truly, without wondering,
The fresh sea smell, and fluttering leaves,
they haunt me, and give me peace.
Feb 4-5, 2008
This candlelight, it brings to me,
thoughts that mystify.
It casts its light in harmony,
the dark it does defy.
Analogy, secrets untold,
this candle with it brings.
To fly, unlock the secret hold,
if only I had wings.
I'm living in blue, and dreaming in red,
these questions confine, and curiosity scopes out.
The blue, its melancholy, dreamy state,
in life, without meaning, continues on.
The red, with its vibrance,
it's boldness unchallenged.
Only in dreams can my freedom unfold in such a hue.
So as I grow,
and become this true me,
I desire to uncover life's unanswered cares.
With boldness now to enter so,
yet meek in deed.
To live in violet is my desire,
a balance, true, and fresh, so delicate.
It will not confine nor border.
I can live free.
March 8, 2008.
It takes an hour
to spend 5 hours
on an island a universe away.
I spend those moments watching all.
And the life comes through me, rushing in.
Freedom abounds in every living thing.
I'm a changed girl, daughter,
crossing the water,
to fulfill my dreams on the other side.
I want to live the rest of my life,
Away from here.
It is so near.
Takes an hour to reach another world.
It must be so much further out.
But it is not.
This is my lot.
And when I reach that island I
will be free from all constraints.
And when I leave,
My chest does heave,
the tears slip down my soft cheek,
as I long for the next 5 hours,
I'll spend there,
Next time I dare,
To cross the water to another world,
A universe away.
Love fills my soul,
as the surround and understand.
They see my young heart bursting,
emotions swept like wind on sand.
They see the sparkle in my eyes,
and the qeustions on my heart.
See all the dreams within my being,
in my life each plays a part.
In all my dreams questions are answered,
or maybe are not asked.
Reality plays havoc on my dreams.
But with Love and Joy,
and Hope, no boundaries,
we will find our Final Purpose,
with much harmony and Peace.
April 21, 2008
Dividing lines, creating borders.
Must let them go.
Though I'm confused, one glimmer of
understanding lights my way.
That one Light,
holds all my dreams,
as misunderstanding blocks my life.
It cannot grasp
Though love I find
In understanding it shines,
and melts confusion.
Lets me be who I am.
Deep down I'm not the me I've always been.
So I look deeper.
And I dream.
Why is choosing right, so wrong?
Why is choosing sanity, so insane?
What is with the world, that it just accepts,
and doesn't question what is true?
In a world where no one listens, there is noise.
In a universe where people say that this is it,
They forget all common sense and shut out,
everything unseen and vaguely strange.
If it's hard to understand, they throw it out.
Nothing left to dream our dreams with anymore!
Is that why I am left with all these strangers?
who understand life better than those I know?
Sometimes I think I'm going crazy, because they sit,
and don't do anything with precious lives.
They just blindly accept all that is taught them,
thinking they are so brave to believe like that.
When I dream, and feel euphoric without help,
just Nature, Me, and God, together.
I rest and the questions ask and answers flow,
if they will but they won't always.
So I keep dreaming.
And I keep asking.
The twighlight hour,
through birdsong and gentle sighs,
in words faintly whispered,
in gentle, lonely cries.
I sit and wait.
The Moonlight casts its spell.
Cold creeps up.
I learn by listening.
I listen very well.
For soft new shadows,
Harken now, come, and arise!
Be still now.
Wait for this pretty hour.
Silently wait for the sunrise.
May 14, 2008
I want to go home,
where the Pacific breeze is blowing,
where winter rains are constant.
I want to go home,
where a short boat ride brings quiet, and where the forest beckons me.
And though I mist the situation of our vast Pacific shore,
it's the souls of certain people that I truly miss the most.
I miss our talking, and our music, and amazing moments that I find.
I hope that I can manage to wait,
Until I go home.
July 22, 2008
I feel alone.
I feel so scared.
I am so frightened of what I'll find,
when I turn around,
What will I see?
Is some thought more important than life?
I feel at ease,
though my soul is wild.
I feel this rush of incredible chill.
Who loves me now?
What will I reject?
What should I accept?
Where can I find all the answers I need?
God planted me, a flower,
in His garden.
He tended me, and through His power,
saw me grow.
He created me, unique,
among the others.
He loves me, and now I seek,
to know Him more.
He showed me I am His,
and I am special.
He said to me "Now look at this
for it is new!"
I am blessed to be the me
that He created.
Within a dull, and grey-blue sea,
For I can be this person,
who I am!
By uniqueness, never worsened,
And this is who I am,
and always will be:
The me that God created,
October 1, 2008
I am overwhelmed
and my mind feels full,
and I pulse with stressful thought.
I listen to the raindrops,
and I feel the crisp night breeze.
I am calm,
and now I see it is true;
I must close my eyes to that fear.
Nothing can haunt me.
When I can be still.
November 11, 2008
On Other Shores
Where is my home?
What is my land?
How can I know?
My home is here.
So far away,
and yet so near,
But my home holds not my house.
My land holds not my name.
I know only my feelings.
I will never understand.
November 14, 2008
To My Friend
In the Silence,
I hear noises,
of a hundred loving hugs.
Hug me and feel the sheer glee there held
in my hear, I hold a dream,
of windows high, and moonlit skies,
where every heart shines true.
Of joy between, a laugh, as well, together.
A group of giggling, silly girls,
in all their mischief caught,
only to grin, and hug, and say,
"Let's do it all again!"
Do come and find me here.
I am so lonely.
I know I could find you
if you were here.
Please don't stay away long.
I'm still waiting...
for a hug,
from my dear friend:
Nov. 15, 2008
Do you ever have those moments where you just don't understand? Days when you feel so loved, and yet you have no friends? Times when you can make a list as long as your arm of people you long to be with and who want to be with you, and you yet you have no one to be with? When it seems like there is no sense in having friends when you have none?
I feel like that right now. I have so many friends. I make them so easily. I love them so much. I can spend a day talking about people I know, near and far, and yet come home and cry because I...have no friends. I don't know how to describe this irony of relations. Today was a good day. I felt loved. I have an amazing family. I just talked. My Mum and I shared camp experiences. Yet right now, I am left feeling empty. Not spiritually, not at all, but people-wise.
Where are you?
Why did I meet you? Why do you care about me? When I can't even hug you? When you can't even see me? You span the globe, from Australia, to Canada, to Glasgow, to Switzerland to the USA, and yet, I can't touch you. You live on my own flippin' island, but I barely know you. We have a common thread, or we wouldn't have met. Music, faith, lifeguarding for goodness sakes! Yet you're not here. I try and I try and I try not to be sad. I try to understand. There must be a plan...but I've waited. I've waited for 4 flippin' years. God, I'm tired of waiting!
They love me, but where are buddies? Where are these years going? Where are the games and the silliness. Where are the blackberries by cell-phone light, or the walks down mountains, through mucky shortcuts? Where are the swims in the lake, and the hugs through tears in the bathroom? Where are the moments when you cry yourself to sleep on your bed, but you know tomorrow you can get up, and there will be someone at your own level who will talk to you. Someone who will hug you.
Where are the late nights talking about silly girlie things, and the pillow fights, and the hair dyes and the shopping excursions? Where are the walks by the beach, and the drawings in the sand? Where are the telepathic looks, and the games we've known from little children? Where are the memories? Why can't I share them?
I have so many ridiculous questions. I find myself dwelling on them in every spare moment. I try not to. I have so many good days. So many good times. And there are so many wonderful people in my life. People to talk to, people to be with, places to go, but no...
Graces, and Jesss, and Teodoras, and Judys and Nadines, and Ionas, and Kathleens, and Yveses, and Isabelles, and Mariahs, Marias, Ericas, Sadies....noJulias, no Marcels, no Tims, no any of you. I could list you on for eons. There are 54 on my facebook...
But none in my backyard. There are 10,000 in my tears... and 10,000 in my heart... but none to hug.
Where are you???
Today is Facebook's 2nd annual To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) day. It's not THE official day (Feb 13), but it's still pretty cool. TWLOHA is an organization that works to combat suicide and depression (etc.) with one word. One ideal. One action:
The name comes from a story, and I encourage you to go to www.TWLOHA.com and read that story. It changed my thinking.
And so today I am joining many others, and I have written love on my arm.
Yes, I've discovered these facts for myself. Now I know why I love unschooling. Unfortunately, RCM doesn't understand that concept quite yet. Haha!
Toodles. Off to fry my brain!
- Sheila Christine
I'm not sure how to begin this post. I really want to tell you all about this, but it's such a part of ME, so locked up inside that I'm not sure I can. Feelings are so hard to put into words. This is when I question the power of language. Quite. However, I shall try, and see what happens.
It began last week at the piano. I have been doing QUITE a bit of technique at said instrument, lately, (1-2 hrs/day) and for some unknown reason, I have been enjoying it. Bizarre but true. So there I sat, practicing broken dominant 7th chords for the key of A flat major. Up, and down, and up and down, over and over, and over, and over, and I closed my eyes, and I began to think of singing, and how I (attempt to) detach myself from the sound, and key into the feeling, and begin to slide further and further away from the noises I am creating, and become conscious only of my body, and the happenings within it. As I sat there working these chords, I began to slip into that state, departing from the sound, escaping from the bother of listening for mistakes, and I began to feel what my fingers were doing, I began to concentrate only on that motion, feeling the tensions and releasing of the muscles through my arms, and suddenly I noticed how much my shoulders and back were involved, and how it radiated through me, down into my pelvis, where I rocked back and forth, and swayed to the circular motions that ensued. My legs, not rigid, but soft, following my every feeling, and my feet, firmly planted on the floor, yet vibrating with the pulsing rhythm of my body.
I began to experiment. I leaned back, and felt my arms become rigid as I attempted to play with much vigour, and as I circled back into a position directly over my hands, still caressing the keys in their constant sweep of the instrument, I found my arms, though still vigorous, were tense no longer, and I moved to once side, and I discovered that I threw myself off then, and to the other, and that fit better. With the motion of my head, I could release, or increase the tension, the strain in my body. Like a flower, who naturally swings around in an almost invisible slow motion circle, my torso moved, in this never ending circle of power and creativity.
At once, I ended my trance, and I looked down again at my fingers, playing this broken Dominant 7th chord still, and they were neat, and tidy, and the volume of the sound changed in a crescendo and decrescendo quite comfortable to my ear, riding on my own pulse, pumping my life blood to the very fingers that poured out my feeling. The notes were even, every one together. The sound was crisp, not a note out of place. I looked at my watch, and a whole half hour has passed. A half hour of discovery, of ritual, almost.
I have entered this state of pure bodily confinement, and yet freedom, that utter irony of being, many times in the last week. E flat major scale, B flat major broken chords, B flat major arpeggios, and today, C minor scale.
Once again I find myself flinging my fingers across the keyboard at an incredible speed, marveling at these same feelings I just spoke of. I stop. I put my hands in my lap. My eyes still closed, I place them back on the keys, in the correct spot. I am almost stunned by this ability of my body to memorize and the find and recognize the exact place on the keyboard without feeling any keys, without thinking or searching; I simply picked up my hands and placed them directly on the correct keys. I tried this several more times. The more I practiced it, the more often I got it correct. I began taking note of how the angles of my arms felt, and how much tension there might be in that finger to reach that key to begin that scale. I discovered for the first time ever, that I must practice every octave separately to gain absolute perfection in accuracy. I still cannot hear what I am doing, but this feeling lets me know. I continue recognizing these angles, and enticing my fingers to work harder, separating three single notes from the four octaves of continuity I have been working. They become menacing to me, as the fourth finger refuses to play with the fervour of the others, and I pull the desire out of it with slight motions, and as I turn my body and my arm and hand in a certain minute way, it comes alive, and close-to-perfection is achieved.
I open my eyes and begin to watch and listen as my body and fingers take over through my sub-consciousness. Slowly first, and then the speed increasing, my fingers fly through the space of my keyboard, and I marvel at how perfectly created this machine is. I have broken the trance, and as I begin to once again fear the ever-impending mistakes, my fingers stumble and fall, unable to take the added emotional strain of negative expectations. And as I back away from the piano, and once again let my body take over, the fingers float, as if sent to tell me something.
How can I take credit for that? I can't. It isn't me. It is my fingers. It is my body. It is this creation I live within. It is when I try to take that for myself that I fail. It is not mine.
And that when I fail, or when I don't, I once again remember to be "independent of the good or bad opinions others may have". For I am not the pianist.
It is Someone Greater.
This is not a talk about a great literary work. Actually...this is about
I have been feeling some deep feelings about 'Remembrance Day'. I wasn't going to blog about it, until I read Idzie's blog today. I realized it's actually important, so here I am.
Let me begin by saying I really, really do respect the veterans of war. I read a book once about a man in the RAF who was shot down over Germany, and spent several years in a POW camp. It was amazing, and they truly were on a mission that is to be respected. However...I have become a bit of a pacifist. Don't shoot me yet. ;) It's not that I don't see that sometimes it is necessary to defend our countries. Yeah, I think it is better to DO something that to just sit by and let our houses be bombed, but the thing is that someone has to start the bombing in the first place. I may be 16, and dreaming of Eden, but I think that these thoughts have to begin somewhere. I'm tired of all the killing. I'm tired of people choosing to kill thousands and maim thousands more just so that they can conquer a portion of this tiny planet--this pale blue dot.* Just to come home with medals, to bring 'peace'.
How can one fight for peace? How many pointless wars have been fought? And what did they bring? Broken families, lives plagued by terrifying memories, lost souls. It just isn't worth it! And there is someone else who loves peace:
"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
" Glory to God in the highest,And on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."
There are many unsung heroes, too, not just of heroes of war. There are heroes of music, heroes of the home, heroes of persecution, heroes of politics, heroes of sickness. How often do you hear about them? Do they love their country less? Do they strive for peace less?
What is it we remember today? We remember war, and sorrow, and terror. We remember the defeat of another race. We rejoice in the killing of thousands of innocent people. I don't. Not today. Today I remember the sorrow, and I choose peace for the future. For my own tiny fraction of the population of the earth, I choose peace. I pray for peace.
* Note on the pale blue dot video: We are in a privileged position in the galaxy, but the idea is that we are very small, and should not make ourselves more important than we are. And yes, help will come from elsewhere, but I believe he means 'within the galaxy'.
I must be!
I hate my ego.
Just so you know, I uploaded another Youtube video from Oct. 31. Tis far from perfect, and it's unedited, but there it is, if you want it. I'm working on another one, but I've been doing it in sections and my camera/computer keeps eating bits of it. *sigh* It may be a few days.
Anyway, I thought I would just ramble today, because, well...I like rambly posts. Especially after reading Rachel and Merril's blogs. They made me happy. :) Yep, life has its struggles right now, but I'm coming to the point where I realize that no matter which dreams become real, no matter which questions get answered, there are always going to be wrinkles. And that's okay. The wrinkles and the fears and the longings and the hurts are what make us all human. And that's okay. I'm coming to terms with that. I mean, a lot of other people have it a lot worse, physically, than I have it emotionally. It seems like there are a lot of people to pray for. My piano teacher's husband fell off a ladder and hurt himself pretty bad, my Granny just had a small surgery on her bladder, and my Mum's friend has been suffering with chronic pain the last couple months, out of the blue. Ouch!
You know, these bodies just don't last, and that's okay too. I can get a cut, and look at it, and it really hurts, but I can say "Wow, you know, that blood is a beautiful shade of red!" Or I can have an ouchy tummy once a month and say "Hey, you know, that is a beautiful pain, because of what it means." I can step outside into the dingy, murky, grey weather we've been having and say "Wow, look at those beautiful red leaves on the ground.", I can feel the cool air whipping around my face and blowing my hair backward. I can taste the raindrops on my tongue and feel them trickling down my face in an endless stream, and it is beautiful. If I get cold, I can come back to a toasty house and hot tea; if I get hot, I can step outside into our incredible wonderland of drizzliness.
A few days ago, my Mum took me up (well...actually, I drove her. Ha!) to this really neat little crazy place that sells just about everything. (Think goats, if you live here) She bought me a pashmina. It's just beautiful. It's green, and has a big paisley on it, and it's just so ME! I love my Mommy. Yesterday we went out together just for fun, and looked in random gift shops. I love that. I also love how people don't ask me why I'm not in school anymore, when I'm out during school hours. People often take me for 18, so it isn't strange to them. Then we got Starbucks. Tasty.
So sometimes fears and frustrations get in the way, and our dreams become frosted, but time keeps ticking. Beauties keep coming. Challenges keep finding their way into our hands. And opportunities will come.
Life. Here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!